Saturday, May 21, 2011

Fear, worry, fretting

So the last few years have been something. We had Eon and the diagnosis of Down syndrome and all the appointments/specialists associated with that. Then he had a vascular ring repair. We've also had one child diagnosed with anxiety disorder after baffling behavioral issues and another started medication for long-diagnosed ADHD. I had a kidney stone in pregnancy, and after, with resulting hospitalization and lithotripsy.

It should not have come as a surprise, then, to discover that there may be a problem with our littlest peanut, Keturah (KJ). She has been a slow grower from the beginning. She weighed 7lb, 11oz at birth, but was slow to put on the ounces and was just over 10lbs at 4 months. I was concerned; the doctor was not. She was plotting on the chart in a regular way and there was no cause for alarm.

Until Thursday, at her well-baby 6-month check, when she had gained only 2 ounces. Suddenly, her weight was no longer even on the chart and we were discussing failure to thrive work-ups. We decided to supplement for a month and reassess. Until he heard her heart and detected a murmur. "Have I heard a murmur on her before?" he asked. Nope. And he scheduled her for an echo-cardiogram.

I took it all in stride. In my Down syndrome world, echos, heart issues, and supplementation are all the norm. I am comfortable discussing these things. Only, this is not my hearty kid with Down syndrome. This is my tiny, delicate princess with the typical number of chromosomes. And I am terrified.

In retrospect, I can see so many signs for concern. She has always been "my putziest nurser" I've often said. She takes forever to finish feeding and usually falls asleep long before she's done. She sweats more than the others did. I can see her freakin' ribs when I change her diaper. (DUH!)

So now we wait, with Dr. Google close at hand and all the terrifying possibilities. 

I find myself worrying and fretting.

Have I learned nothing over the past two years?!? God's got this. This does not take Him by surprise. Worrying doesn't do any good and cannot change the outcome of any situation. In fact, my life verse is Psalm 37:8b, "Do not fret - it only causes harm." (Other people get really cool life verses. God is very practical with me. :) 

God loves my little princess even more than I do. He has a plan for her life, as He does mine. His grace is sufficient for me.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to GodPhillipians 4:6