Shortly after Eon was born, I discovered Reece's Rainbow and it became my passion to see those precious children with Down syndrome rescued from almost certain death. It was my hope that, one day, we would join the amazing families that are bringing them home, and adopt one of our own. We were moving to that end. I felt as if both the passion and the desire were from God. I was excited that we would finally do something "big" for Him.
So, imagine my surprise when I discovered I was pregnant. "This cannot be happening," I thought. We had the perfect, albeit large, package - three bio girls and three bio boys. The tie-breaker was supposed to be a chosen, adopted child. Honestly, six seems nice and compact to me. Seven just seems Duggar-kind of crazy! I sobbed the entire day after seeing the pink line. This was not the plan!
I wallowed in misery and disbelief for days. I'm not a big fan of pregnancy. For the previous seven months, I had not been pregnant or nursing for the first time in almost seven years. I discovered that I like myself without all those swirling hormones. So certain was I that we were finished with infancy, I discarded all things infant-related.
I remember telling a friend, "It is so hard for me when I'm all set to zig and God says, 'Zag'."
A few weeks ago at church our pastor was talking about following Jesus. He said that we need to learn to follow Jesus before we can truly serve Him....that sometimes we jump in and start serving God, and that it's possible to do that without actually following Jesus.
And then it hit me: I was irritated with God for interrupting my plans to serve Him.
I realized that I had a decision to make. I could either continue in my misery and believe the lie that this pregnancy was a mistake. OR I could choose to follow Jesus. I could believe the truth that this child was chosen by God, that his/her days were planned at the creation of the world, and that he/she is a blessing.
I chose the latter, and He's slowly changing my heart.
Someday, maybe we will adopt. But for now, we are rejoicing in new life, swallowing our pride, and looking Duggar-kind of crazy. :)