Shortly after Eon was born, I discovered Reece's Rainbow and it became my passion to see those precious children with Down syndrome rescued from almost certain death. It was my hope that, one day, we would join the amazing families that are bringing them home, and adopt one of our own. We were moving to that end. I felt as if both the passion and the desire were from God. I was excited that we would finally do something "big" for Him.
So, imagine my surprise when I discovered I was pregnant. "This cannot be happening," I thought. We had the perfect, albeit large, package - three bio girls and three bio boys. The tie-breaker was supposed to be a chosen, adopted child. Honestly, six seems nice and compact to me. Seven just seems Duggar-kind of crazy! I sobbed the entire day after seeing the pink line. This was not the plan!
I wallowed in misery and disbelief for days. I'm not a big fan of pregnancy. For the previous seven months, I had not been pregnant or nursing for the first time in almost seven years. I discovered that I like myself without all those swirling hormones. So certain was I that we were finished with infancy, I discarded all things infant-related.
I remember telling a friend, "It is so hard for me when I'm all set to zig and God says, 'Zag'."
A few weeks ago at church our pastor was talking about following Jesus. He said that we need to learn to follow Jesus before we can truly serve Him....that sometimes we jump in and start serving God, and that it's possible to do that without actually following Jesus.
And then it hit me: I was irritated with God for interrupting my plans to serve Him.
I realized that I had a decision to make. I could either continue in my misery and believe the lie that this pregnancy was a mistake. OR I could choose to follow Jesus. I could believe the truth that this child was chosen by God, that his/her days were planned at the creation of the world, and that he/she is a blessing.
I chose the latter, and He's slowly changing my heart.
Someday, maybe we will adopt. But for now, we are rejoicing in new life, swallowing our pride, and looking Duggar-kind of crazy. :)
Awesome post Tara. So glad He is changing your heart.
ReplyDeleteTara, I so know your feelings... it's not that long ago that I had to consciously make that decision to make my "SELF" get out of the way of God's plan. It's not easy... but the best things in life don't come easy, I guess. I'll pray for you and your pregnancy. I still have my up and down days about this, but at 9 weeks and counting, I'm having more ups than downs. :-) Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful Tara! You aren't anywhere close to Duggar-like yet though...lol
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. It's very eye-opening. I've had the same issue with baby #3, Nate. It was very difficult and I never made it to the point you are. Even as I was giving birth, naturally, the bad attitude in my heart made it so much more painful, then I felt guilty afterwards for the way I felt about this sweet, sweet baby. Now he's the cutest 2-year-old monster ever, but I don't know what we would have done w/o him either.
ReplyDeleteSo happy for you! I think it's funny that if we had a fourth I would start feeling a little like the Duggars and you think 7 is just starting to get there-lol. Hope you have a wonderful pregnancy!!!
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you were pregnant! Congratulations! I am praying that your pregnancy goes smoothly and the God continues to change your heart.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations! Just wait until this baby is here- I love that newborn phase :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! Congrats on your growing family!
ReplyDeleteGreat Post and Congratulations! I feel like you were speaking to me. Our 4th unplanned pregnancy has/is a hard one for me. Your thoughts are inspiring and have given me something to think about. Thank you! I hope this pregnancy is good to you!
ReplyDeleteI definately feel Duggar CRAZY!!!
Great post.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, feel free to share our post.
I love reading your posts and the realizations that you come to. It is sooo easy to fall in to the footsteps of being a common human, but God knows that we are who he disigned and he keeps on loving us. What a gift. It sounds like your pastor was very wise in saying what he did. And... I don't think the Duggars look crazy. They may be a large family, but that is no bodys business except their own. If you listen to their words though, and how they live their lives that is what impresses me. I can't even get PG with #3, so I envy you. :-) CONGRATULATIONS!!! :-) And adoption may still be in your future.
ReplyDeleteI have found that God's plans are ALWAYS better than our own! Enjoy this blessed journey that He has you on! Hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI actually first learned that you were expecting via facebook and I'd been meaning to make it to your blog. So here I am. CONGRATULATIONS!! And yes, I've learned many times and have to be reminded that there are many things in life we don't plan on. But if we trust in God's plans for us, he eventually reveals the reason for why and how things unfold in our lives. I'll be thinking of you and your pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard when it seems like God's plans are going against our own plans. Giving up control can be hard, but once I do, I always feel much better.
ReplyDeleteCONGRATULATIONS, Tara!!!!!! I LOVE your post. As always, I appreciate your honesty in how you share with us your journey in life. I recently said to Scott how I wished you lived near me so we could be friends IRL, as often I can relate to you so well. Anyways, I'm happy I came here tonight and found out your great news! I'll be praying for you and your family, Tara.... Kama
ReplyDeleteTara congratulations! I too have felt the same way, to some extent, many times :o) but I just lost my 10th child to a miscarriage, so please enjoy this time and feel that you are so very blessed! Just remember, you can always adopt, but you won't always be able to bear children :o)
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