The Moment

We had a moment, my son and I. 

We are still dancing around one another trying to find our place in the other's heart. (I wrote briefly about our struggles here.) There are days when I feel he still ignores me, like I am at the bottom on the list of desired playmates, helpers, family. There are days when I wonder where he comes from and I cannot place him in my frame of reference, so foreign he continues to seem.

But more and more he is present, actively aware of what is happening in the broader scope of his surroundings, versus the three foot window to which he allowed himself to attend those first weeks home. I used to be soundly ignored by him when I'd walk in the door from work and attempt to interact. Then, ever so subtly, I sensed a change and soon my son would smile when he saw the excitement of his siblings upon my return. 

I was pleased, but didn't get too excited knowing as I did that he was simply feeding off the glee around him.

But yesterday it happened. 

I pulled in the driveway and saw Bogdan in the window watching the car. I waved through the windshield and received no response, no flicker of recognition, no knowing smirk, just blankness. Disappointed, but not surprised, I opened my door and stepped out. I looked up at him and saw his face transform. 

Ever so slowly, the corners of his mouth pulled until he had the hugest grin, the kind that makes his eyes disappear, and he pressed his head to the glass and banged on the window as he continued to smile at me with joy, as if to say, "Momma's home! Look, everyone! Momma's home!"

Tears sprang to my eyes and my breath caught in my throat as I waved. It is an incredible feeling to be known by one you've worked so hard to love.

He knows me! And, judging by his reaction, I think he even likes me. 

I went upstairs after greeting the rest of the crew and found him strumming (pounding, poking, picking) his sister's guitar that he found laying on the floor of her room. I sat down next to him. I got a sideways look and another smile. I reached out my hands and he dove for me, wrapping his arms tightly around my neck as he crawled into my lap. We stayed like that for a long while, me slowly rocking and him resting his head against my chest. 

Finally, we stood and, hand in hand, walked out of the girls' room. He stopped in the play room when he spotted a car and I continued on to change my clothes. 

But something shifted in those moments. Something deep and powerful clicked inside our hearts with that blazing smile of recognition. This odd couple, this Serbian boy and Midwestern mom may just be okay, after all.