This is a post I wrote back in March. I revisit it from time to time because I need to. I wonder if there will come a time when I won't. In the meantime, I thought I'd repost it for anyone who missed it the first time around.
(It starts as a whisper, a tiny niggling in the back of my brain.)
Recently, I posted a comment on a site stating that I am proud of my son's designer genes, that Down syndrome is part of his charm, and that his chromosomal enhancement is actually kind of cool. The responses were less than stellar. "Is this a joke?!" "A birth defect isn't cool!" "A genetic accident isn't something to be celebrated...it's a tragedy." "That's like saying leukemia or other diseases are cool."
Birth defect......Genetic accident........Tragedy......Disease
(A little louder now, more insistent, it pushes forward toward the front of my conscious mind.)
Eon just got over being sick. He was sicker than the rest of us......again. Sometimes, I think he's doing phenomenally well, but, sometimes, I notice things like him staring at his hands in endless fascination or seeming not to recognize his own name and I wonder. Is he fully there? How much is he really getting? How far can he go? What is his purpose?
(Starting to sink a little into the abyss of fear.)
Can I do this? I feel inadequate. The thought of being the mom of a kid with special needs is overwhelming at times. Am I doing enough? I feel like he just hangs out with us most of the time. I rarely do structured therapy with him. We're not doing flashcards or an early reading program. We play with him and include him in our lives, but is that really all he needs? Am I strong enough to deal with all the therapies, appointments, and advocacy?
("Help me, Lord," I whisper.)
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16
So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; Genesis 1:27
You created......Wonderfully made.........Image of God
(Yes, he is fearfully and wonderfully made. He was created in your image. You planned his days long before he was born.)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Psalm 138:8
(Of course! You, oh God, have plans and a purpose for both of us. How do I fail to see it sometimes?)
I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
(You are my source. You are my strength and my shield. I can do this through you and you alone. I am not strong enough, but I don't have to be. As always, you are.)