Recently, Shawn and I made the decision to switch roles on a more permanent basis. Meaning, I am now working full-time and he is staying home and schooling the kids. You can read more about all of that on my other blog. What it means for this one is that adoption may not be out of reach anymore.
It's one thing to have noble ideals; it's a whole 'nother ball of wax to walk them out, or even to take the first step. When it was just a distant dream, I thought and prayed about it all the time. Now that it could actually happen, I find myself avoiding the conversation with God and with my husband. I'm afraid of what they might say...positively or negatively.
The what ifs are looming large:
What if we commit to a child and then can't raise the money? What if our friends think we're presumptuous to ask for help? What if we're not organized enough to pull off the mountain of paperwork this would require? What if we don't pass our home study? What if our oldest never gets on board and it rips our family apart? What if the child has undisclosed medical issues we can't handle? What if he has autism? What if we never come to love him as our own? What if something happens to one of us and the other is left to do this alone? What if our biological kids resent us for this? What if they feel burdened instead of blessed?
The hows are close behind:
How on earth can we handle another child, when we're so often exasperated by the ones we have? How will we cope with the additional noise when it's overwhelming as is? How can we possibly afford this? How will we have time to fundraise when we can't even find the time to make Buddy Walk t-shirts? How can we take time out to bond with one child, while still meeting the needs of seven?
All of those questions are overshadowed by one more:
How can I not obey when God has so clearly directed?
Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to death; don't stand back and let them die. Don't try to avoid responsibility by saying you didn't know about it. For God knows all hearts, and he sees you. He keeps watch over your soul, and he knows you knew! And he will judge all people according to what they have done. Proverbs 24:11-12 (NLT)