Where is the Disconnect & How Do We Bridge the Gap?

I don't fault her for her honesty, although I admit the words stung a bit when I first read them. She is dear to me and has been a wonderful support as a fellow adoptive mom. We were conversing on a message board for adoptive mothers about adopting children with special needs. Her journey to adoption began, like many, with infertility and the desire for a family and she has two wonderful, now grown sons. My journey began differently, of course, and sometimes there is a struggle to understand the other's point of view because of it. 

Her comment was an offhanded one buried deep in a post about fundraising but directed at the idea that not everyone is called to adopt a child with special needs. 

"We weren't looking for a mission, but a child to be a part of our family." 

It got my dander up, to be sure. "Bo is not a mission. He is a child and he is very much a part of this family," I stewed. But I had to be honest with myself and admit that, while I very much hate the term "calling" when it comes to adoption, we did respond to a need on his part and not a desire on ours. In other words, we didn't go into this out of a deep desire to have more children. We had seven. That's a lot. No, we started this adoption because we saw a need and felt compelled to fill it. In a sense, it was a mission for us. 

But let me be very clear, we may have started out on this journey as missionaries, but we became in the process simply parents. We don't feed him, clean up after him, read him books, take him to therapy, tickle him, etc, because he is a project. We do all of that and so much more because he is our beloved son and part of our family. 

I responded to my friend on the message board:

My beef with making it (the adoption of kids with special needs) a "calling" is that it showcases them as somehow less than. It shows our true bias. While we give lip service to the idea that kids with special needs are valuable and equal and were created in the image of God, we don't actually want one. Rather than potential offspring and adored children, they become, instead, "ministry".

I believe there is truth there in what I wrote. But, I simply traded the word "calling" for "need" in the post I linked. My original point in that post is valid. I wanted people to realize that adoption is not just for a select few, for those who are holy or qualified. It's simply for those who can meet a need and who are willing to rely on Christ to do it. I stand by that. I want those who would never consider adoption to do just that. 

But what about those who are already considering adoption? Who desperately want to add a child to their family? Have we so emphasized the calling or need or mission aspect of special needs adoption that we've put these children into an entirely separate category, so that they aren't recognized as children, at all? 

As an adoptive mom, I frequently run across Christians who are hoping to adopt, as we now have that in common. I'm always very excited for them as I think it's an amazing way to grow a family. But it seems they fall into two distinct camps. 

The first is the "mission camp." They generally have other children in the home, they see a need and are filling it. They are adopting from foster care, across races, with special needs, older kids, sibling groups, etc, wherever the need has led them. 

The second camp is the "family camp." They want a child to grow their family. They struggle with primary or secondary infertility. They are usually looking for an infant. While they may be open to crossing races, special needs are not really on their radar or have been discounted altogether. 

And I wonder if, in part, it's because we've emphasized the "special needs" over the "child." 

It breaks my heart. 

I can only speak about Down syndrome because, as the mother of two little boys with Down syndrome, it is all I know. 

But I want you to know, there is nothing "less than" about our boys. There is nothing "less than" about our parenting experience with them. They are fully children, fully boys, fully family. Please, don't doubt that. The joy we have in them is full, the delight we have for them is full, the frustration we feel toward them is full, just like their typically developing siblings. When you adopt a child with special needs, you are getting a child...not a mission, not a calling, not a list of diagnoses...a son or daughter, a part of your family. 

Every parent I know that has a child with Down syndrome says the same thing. All of us adore our kids. In fact, an actual study was done in which 79% of parents reported their outlook on life was more positive because of their child with Down syndrome. Other studies have shown that the divorce rate among families with a child with Down syndrome is lower than among families with only typically developing kids. 

And yet, the family camp doesn't usually consider a child with special needs to grow their family. Why not? Where is the disconnect? I wish the family camp and the mission camps could blend. I want to hear more people say, "We really want a/another child and know there's a need for parents willing to take kids with disabilities. We're researching and praying with open hearts and minds." Oh, what God could do with that!

Please know that I am not laying the blame at the feet of those in the family camp. I don't think the burden lies solely on them. I think it started long before they began planning their family. Why in the body of Christ do we have this subtle bias that I mentioned earlier? Why are we afraid of special needs? Why are people with disabilities not an included part of our congregations? Why do parents of kids with special needs feel isolated and unwelcome in our churches? 

How do we bridge the gap? 

I don't have the answers to these questions. I wish I did. I know there are large, age-old prejudices and social injustices at play, as well as spiritual issues, to be sure, but what can I do? What can you do? What small step can we take to show that disability is natural, that people are people regardless of needs?

I have a few friends that are the exception to the norm. I adore them, of course. If you are not a follower of Courtney over at Pudge and Biggs, you are just missing out on sheer fun! She and her long-suffering husband started their family with the adoption of a kiddo with Down syndrome and then another "surprise" adoption (if there were such a thing) of another kid with Down syndrome before they had a home grown typically developing kid and then another surprise home grown kid (see a pattern to their family planning, or lack thereof?) You can read the beginning of their story here. The Squibs are all kinds of entertaining and I promise you will not be disappointed if you spend time on her blog. 

My closer-to-home friend, Andrea blogs over at life at mannchester estate. While she and I have belatedly realized we were walking the halls of the local children's hospital at the same time on more than one occasion, we have yet to actually meet in real life. She and her husband are parenting two daughters with unique chromosomes, by choice, although her story started with a twist. You can read it here. She is full of wisdom and humor and you will enjoy her take on life, as well. 

I hope you comment on this post. I hope you share your thoughts and your heart as you respond to my questions. Maybe, as community, we can figure this out together.