After seven months of intense drama with questions about faith, fear, and suffering, and physical, emotional, familial, financial, vocational, and spiritual changes, I'm finding it difficult to just live normal life. The mundane is boring in its blandness. I find myself having conversations about curriculum or cooking, weekend plans or vacations and walk away feeling hollow. Topics that used to rev me up, leave me somehow dissatisfied.
Before you suggest it, I am not depressed. I have been there and this is not it. I love life and feel as if I have just emerged from the longest postpartum period of my life. I look forward to each day, laugh often, and cry little. I am grateful for all the things God has so graciously given me.
I do wonder if I've become an adreneline junky. I don't miss the hospitalizations, surgery, or the newness of a Ds diagnosis. But, with all that came a passion to grapple with the tough questions, to wrestle with my faith, to solidify my thoughts, and to dig into the Bible and see it come alive. With it also came a passion for a segment of the population that has an extra chromosome and, because of that, will never make it out of the womb alive; and a passion to bring home those that have survived the womb, only to be born into a country that refuses to see their value, and sentences them to languish in mental institutions.
My other passions - to know the heart of my savior, Jesus Christ, to love and train my children for His glory, and to love and respect my incredible husband - are still alive and kicking. But other things that used to seem important - grocery lists, vacations, enrichment activities, TV shows, popular music, etc. - pale in comparison. Unfortunately, the latter seem to make up the fabric of our society, so I find myself on the outside of the camp. The tedium is too much for me.
I don't have a solution. I'm just sayin'.