Last week in the UK, news broke that women were experiencing more Down syndrome pregnancies, but fewer births. The increase in pregnancies were related to more women delaying childbearing. The decrease in births were related to "better" screening procedures with more terminations. In reading the articles related to these findings, I found myself reading the comments sections...again (when will I get a clue?).
Comments always seem to follow a pattern...someone comments that they had a distant relative with Ds and that person was a drain on the family, and then the siblings got stuck taking care of him. Someone else comments that it's irresponsible to condemn a child to a life of "suffering" and termination is a good alternative. Then, a parent of a child with Ds will chime in and correct some misinformation which has been spouted and communicate what a joy their daughter is and how children with Ds are more "normal" than not, etc.
There will be a lot of comments following in the above vein, until someone comes on to accuse all the parents who are being positive of lying. That anyone who claims that raising a child with Ds isn't a horrible experience is delusional and a pollyanna. (I've read the original story of Pollyanna. Since when did finding the silver-lining become a bad thing?)
I recently heard something similar from a woman who is considering terminating her pregnancy because of T21. She said that the advocacy groups only post the positive and she could practically see "the cute little bunnies hopping across the page". She was asking those who have already terminated what it was really like to have a baby with Down syndrome. Um, seriously? I don't think they know...they aborted.
Why can't the critics believe the people who have been there, done that? Maybe having a child with Down syndrome is a positive thing. Why is it so hard to believe that we really love our children, that we are proud of them, that we have learned from them, and that our lives with them are normal? Why is the burden of proof on us, for crying out loud. And, why on earth would they think we have reason to lie about it?
Leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I have got to learn to stay away from the comments section!
Yep, Tara...stay away from the comments section. I can only speak as to what I know...and what I know is that my life is fantastic. Lily brings joy to all around her. There may be tough times in the future...but there may be tough times with my two typically chromosomed stepkids too.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'm a Pollyanna too...and PROUD of it!
Yeah, I always skip the comments because there are always going to be people that I have no time for and could care less what they think. Seriously though, why would we lie? If Bennett becomes a child that drains me I'm sure I'll speak to that but I also know that he is my son and will love him no matter what. But yeah, so far he is the most "normal" baby I know!
ReplyDeleteOh Tara you know you can't stop reading the comments... you are a a natural advocate cursed with the need to spread the truth :-)
ReplyDeleteAnyway, yeah... all the comment threads are so predictable. Though that's the first time I have heard of anyone wanting to hear the real story of having a baby with Ds from someone who terminated. That's like wanting marital advice from someone who broke off their engagement!
So true! I hate the comment sections! The whole idea that we only talk about the good stuff isn't even true either, most blogs I've read talk about some of the "hard" things that can come with Ds--but there is more good stuff w/ Ds than "hard" stuff, so of course there are going to be more posts about that. I see nothing wrong with being Pollyanna. :)
ReplyDeleteI haven't really gotten to reading the comments sections, only because my schedule has been hectic lately. To be honest, I think it is hard for some people to grasp how much love you feel for your child with ds. It's like you don't know...until you know. I am sure they think that about a lot of other children as well. I could have never imagined how much love I would have for Wysdom and how much strength, learning and connections that I have recieved since his birth. I say keep reading if you want, there maybe someone that you can help out.
ReplyDeleteYou have inspired me to write a post about this :-)
ReplyDeleteI completely stay away from reading comments when posted in the general news outlets. Raises my blood pressure too much. I figure that if someone feels so negatively about Down syndrome that they need to post a comment about it, then I'm not going to change their mind. I might post a comment to the article, but I don't read the other comments and I certainly don't try to debate some other negative commentators.
ReplyDeleteI almost always post in the comment section. There are so many negatives posted that I feel that I must add my two cents. But in commenting, I know that I have a vested interest in letting my opinion known... and that is my daughter. I often wonder what the vested interest is for people who post with such hatred and venom.... perhaps they are in the "92%" and have to justify their actions. Most people would not post a comment or read comments unless they have a personal stake. It is like the "skeptical OB".... truly, what is her beef with acknowledging that some people do not feel that a child with down syndrome is a "burden". She has a vested interest in this not being true. But why???? HMMMMM. I will continue to post for my child, no matter the difficulty in facing the ignorance of others.
ReplyDeleteI'm a Pollyanna too :)For me there have been way more positives than negative.Ruby is the joy of our whole family.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree with you more. In fact, some parents over here are making a complaint to the Human Rights Commission about the way unborn babies diagnosed with DS are being terminated, and how terrible it is. I absolutely adore my Luke, and don't want to even think about a world without him.
ReplyDeleteIf we get beyond the personal impact (and it isn't easy, because we understand, and because your 'I don't think they know...they aborted' comment nails it), one cold, over-riding factor emerges: cost. That does not bother us, any nore than the cost of having any kid, but so many people who have had abortions have been fed bad advice by the powers that be, the medical establishment and the govt health boards that their heads are spinning and the wrong thing seems to be the correct one. The pursuit of 'perfection' is just one goal of all this screening hoop-la. Insurers, social welfare bodies and medics, fearful of having to pay for our 'slower' kids, actively encourage terminations. It's part of the reason why the killing of unborn kids with Ds is so sinfully high in the 'developed' world. Against that official advice, your experiences count for less than spit. I don't mean to be callous, but cash talks the world over, and when it comes to so many kids like ours, misguided 'reality' is enough to make you vomit. We'll be fighting this forever, and I'm thankful that the fight for us is at least easier than it has been for any previous generation. Our kids are high achievers, will have more breaks and will fill our lives every day with a love that the establishment literally has no experience of, but we'll still have to fight. Prejudice is everywhere, but thankfully so too are good and wise people. Don't stay away from the comments section. Hell with them. They aren't even something on the sole of your shoe. Send out the message and we'll ALL come to leave comments. I don't do bunnies hopping across the page myself tbh, but I do a nice line in 'Up yours, idiots' when the need arises. And I know a few others who do to. I love this post. It goes straight to the point. Keep it up, Tara. It's a fight worth fighting. You didn't need me to tell you that, as you quite clearly know already. Peace, love and victory over the knuckle draggers in 2010!
ReplyDeleteI'm really late in commenting on this one, but you really said what I think about the whole issue. How can someone who has thrown away their child based on a diagnosis actually know anything about what it's like to HAVE a child w/ Ds. THey only know what it's like to NOT want to have that child. I am so NOT in denial... I love my child (with Ds) unconditionally and think he's pretty awesome. So do his sibs and so many around us. I really think he's helping to change the face of Ds and he's making me a better mother. Maybe they should try it some time.
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