Just Me

You know that woman who gets pregnant for the first time, and acts as if there has never been another pregnancy in the history of the world? As if there has never been anyone else who has experienced exactly what she is experiencing?

Yeah, that's how I've been with this adoption. Honestly, I am so sick of myself, I can hardly stand to be around me.

No one else has ever left her children, gotten on a plane, traveled half way around the world to become momma to a child she's never met. 

Just me. 

The truth is, this feels very much like walking off a cliff.

I really did not anticipate the fear this has stirred up in me. We are moving toward something over which I have no control and it terrifies me! I foolishly thought I was more together than this.

Thinking about leaving my children with other people while I will be on another continent leaves me breathless. Plunging ahead to gain custody of a child I've never met and to parent that child forever without knowing the simplest details of his personality or having the slightest idea of how he'll fit into this family makes my heart race.

I have struggled to set my mind on things above, countless times over the last few days. I have quoted every Scripture on fear I know, to calm my nerves. I have worried that I might never regain my calm and confidence. 

But, once again, I'm reminded that it's not really about me, is it?

It's about a big God who has done amazing and incomprehensible things for us and has asked of me a simple thing. 

Go.

Empty out yourself. Love the unloved. Minister to the least of these. Be My hands and feet. Listen. Relate. Connect. 

Love.

When I remember that...that it's about Him who has called me...then I feel brave. I can be strong. I can act courageously. 

I can join the adventure that He has laid out for me. I can lose the me in the equation and remember that it's all about Him. I can humble myself in gratitude that He is the One running this show and be thankful that He is allowing me to be His sidekick for His glory.

I can do what countless people before me have done and leave the sheep I currently have to relentlessly pursue the one who is lost.

I can breathe.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will neither leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8