Simeon's surgery is 4 days away and I do not know how I am going to get through the next few days. I am in a fog. I feel like my brain is already at the hospital and I cannot complete a thought that is not related to infant heart surgery. I've gone from complete peace to paralyzing fear to an odd numbness in the span of one weekend.
Yesterday, I was pondering faith versus fear. I used to think the two were opposites, or, at the very least, mutually exclusive. I'm learning, though, that they can co-exist. In fact, I'm learning that there is a type of fear that is born from faith. Because of my faith, I know that God "works all things together for good for those who love Him', that he is good, that He loves me enough to send His only Son to die for me, and that His thoughts toward me are to give me "a future and a hope". God often allows suffering to deepen our faith, conform us to His image, cause us to lean on Him, and to teach us things that we could never learn in the midst of ease and pleasure.
The fear comes with the faith. The fear says, "Maybe there is something God wants to teach me and He needs to take my son to do it." I have complete peace that He would provide grace, peace, and comfort if that were to be the case, but it doesn't make the thought any less terrifying. I can't help but think of the "what ifs" in this, of all, weeks. The problem with faith versus superstition or just dumb luck, is that I can't say, "Oh, it will be all right", because I know that sometimes, it's not.
I know there will be a part 2 to this post. I know that God is working something in me even now through this experience. But for now, my thoughts are swirling even though my brain feel like it's shut down. I cry a few times a day and am doing my level best to be present for my children. They need me to be here and connect with them. It's a chore and a joy at the same time.