The enormity of having a child with Down syndrome hits me at the oddest times. Just now, as I was changing his diaper, it hit me that I have a child with special needs. Probably because he doesn't actually have any special needs at this time, with the exception of thickened liquids, I have trouble wrapping my brain around that. (The recent surgery for the vascular ring was completely unrelated to Down syndrome - just one of life's quirks.)
But, when I think of what's to come, I am overwhelmed. I alternate between a fascination with articles and antecdotes about adults with Ds, and a complete denial that my child will be anything like them. At this point in the journey, I am simply overwhelmed by having six children, four of whom are under the age of six. But, I know what's coming. He's a wonderful baby and I am looking forward to his toddler charm, but with that will come more therapies and an ever closer determination of whether he'll be the elusive "high-functioning" or the dreaded "low-functioning" person with Ds.
There, I said it. While Simeon has equal value regardless of high or low, I want him to be high functioning for his sake, as well as ours. Why? Because life would be easier. No matter how much the Lord shows me about the value of suffering, I'm still human enough to want, hope for, even long for easy. Right now, everything just seems hard. It's hard to even complete a load of laundry without some sort of emergency around here and organizing the clan to even exit the house leaves me irritated and exhausted. I want to hope that someday, life won't be so blasted difficult. With Down syndrome in the picture, I'm not sure I can.