Friday, March 26, 2010

Doubt

doubt

(It starts as a whisper, a tiny niggling in the back of my brain.)

Recently, I posted a comment on a site stating that I am proud of my son's designer genes, that Down syndrome is part of his charm, and that his chromosomal enhancement is actually kind of cool. The responses were less than stellar. "Is this a joke?!" "A birth defect isn't cool!" "A genetic accident isn't something to be celebrated...it's a tragedy." "That's like saying leukemia or other diseases are cool."

Birth defect......Genetic accident........Tragedy......Disease

Doubt

(A little louder now, more insistent, it pushes forward toward the front of my conscious mind.)

Eon just got over being sick. He was sicker than the rest of us......again. Sometimes, I think he's doing phenomenally well, but, sometimes, I notice things like him staring at his hands in endless fascination or seeming not to recognize his own name and I wonder. Is he fully there? How much is he really getting? How far can he go? What is his purpose?

Sicker.......Staring........Purpose

Doubt

(Starting to sink a little into the abyss of fear.)


Can I do this? I feel inadequate. The thought of being the mom of a kid with special needs is overwhelming at times. Am I doing enough? I feel like he just hangs out with us most of the time. I rarely do structured therapy with him. We're not doing flashcards or an early reading program. We play with him and include him in our lives, but is that really all he needs? Am I strong enough to deal with all the therapies, appointments, and advocacy?

Inadequate.......Not doing......Overwhelming.......Enough


DOUBT

("Help me, Lord," I whisper.)

(and then...)

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. Psalm 139:13-16

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; Genesis 1:27


You created......Wonderfully made.........Image of God


truth

(Yes, he is fearfully and wonderfully made. He was created in your image. You planned his days long before he was born.)


For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Psalm 138:8


Future.......Hope.......Purpose

Truth

(Of course! You, oh God, have plans and a purpose for both of us. How do I fail to see it sometimes?)


I can do everything through Him who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Strength......Grace......PowerItalic

TRUTH

(You are my source. You are my strength and my shield. I can do this through you and you alone. I am not strong enough, but I don't have to be. As always, you are.)




18 comments:

  1. Tara...God is smiling at you right now...of this I am sure...because you DO see HIS plans!!!

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  2. I have to disagree with the people that told you a genetic accident isn't to be celebrated. That extra chromosome MAKES Eon who is it, or so it seems. You just don't know! To deny it would be to deny a part of him. I work with a little boy with autism. He is a handful, he's got trouble focusing, but he is also hands down the child I would stuff into my backpack and take home if they said "pick one" He is amazing. I love him so much, and he has the best personality. So is his autism the best thing ever? No. It has its ups and downs, but he is a wonderful kid, and autism is part of who he is!

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  3. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this post.

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  4. What a beautiful post, a wonderful way to look at this journey. You are doing everything perfect for Eon, he is so blessed to have a wonderful mommy!

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  5. Beautiful. Just beautiful. Our boys do not have to be perfect, and neither do any children. Just to be and be happy and love and be loved is more than enough :)

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  6. That was beautiful!

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  7. Ive been missing you..... praying all was okay. What a sweet post. EXACTLY what I went through these past months in our adoption. just had to FOCUS on God to bring clarity to the situation.

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  8. Awesome post. I think some (many) people just can't understand what it's like. Down syndrome isn't like anything else, either... there's no comparison to another "birth defect" or "disease", etc. We know how awesome our kids are... don't ever let anyone set doubt in your mind.

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  9. Thank you so much for this post (though I wish I wasn't sitting here at work crying)! I love it and needed it. It's one I will come back and read when the doubt starts creeping in again.

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  10. Love this!! Can I share it?

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  11. Dear Tara, You write beautifully. I love this post. I really need to get in the Word of God more because as you wrote the Word in your post... you have that word in your heart and the Holy Spirit encourages you through the Word of the Lord. You are a BLESSING and I LOVE YOU!!
    Debbie

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  12. What an amazing mother you are.

    And what a blessed little boy he is to have you.

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  13. I think that part of the "package" that having a child who has a disability is the doubts we have at times.....

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