The following is a post I wrote on the Down Syndrome Pregnancy board at babycenter.com.
We did not have a prenatal diagnosis of Ds, although we did have some markers. Still, when Eon was diagnosed (before I even had a chance to hold him...grrrrr), it was a shock. A wave of emotion and fear hit me, the likes of which I'd never experienced before. Most of that fear and sadness abated as soon as I held him, but some of it clings still.
It's different, now. The fear is related to all the things that can still go wrong with him medically, the threat of anything that might take him from me. The sadness is related to the fact that I was ever afraid or sad to have a child with this diagnosis. I regret my sadness and fear. Is that even possible? To regret an emotion that you cannot control?
This child and his life are nothing to be sad about or afraid of! He is wonderful and perfect. He is his own little person and he is an amazing blessing to our whole family. His life is "normal", except he gets more attention than his siblings did - partly due to therapies and appointments, but mostly due to five siblings who refuse to leave him alone. :)
Two days after his birth, DH bought me a willow tree statue of a little boy holding a balloon in the shape of a heart that says, "Hope". I remember bawling when he gave it to me, because that summed up exactly what I was clinging to. Hope. Hope that he would be ok. Hope that he would be high functioning. Hope that others would love him as much as I already did.
It was a hope born out of fear. I just noticed that statue again. I cried again, but this time for a different reason. It represents to me all of those bittersweet emotions I experienced at Eon's birth. It makes me sad that the diagnosis of Down syndrome was such a monster in my mind, when, really, it's such a little part of life.
I still have hopes for Eon, of course. But they are more in line with what I hope for my typical kids. I hope that he has a strong faith that he can communicate effectively. I hope that he is a blessing to those around him. I hope that he will grow to be a responsible adult and/or be the best "Eon" that he can be. Most of all, I hope that he has a special love for his momma!
I want to encourage you, you brave mommas with a prenatal diagnosis. It's ok to be afraid, but soon you will realize that your fear is groundless.
Blessings to all of you, and Happy Mother's Day!
I love it! It's well-written and has a good amount of oomph(!) to encourage mothers-to-be to dig deeper and see from your experience that having a baby with Down Syndrome is one of the greatest blessings one could ever receive. Happy Mother's Day!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I took the liberty of adding you to my blogroll on my blog. I hope that's ok. To view it, click on the Blogroll link at the top of my homepage. Also, if you know of anyone else that might want to be included in my blogroll list, please feel free to direct them to my blog. Thanks!
my blog: Bill and Ria
Hi Tara! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I too have had some "why God, why????" I had upon learning of Lily's diagnosis shortly after birth. I've kind of let go of the guilt now. I can't imagine loving a child more then I love Lily!
ReplyDeleteI am happy to "meet" another home-school mom...I'm not there yet as Lily is only 11 months old, but it is my hope to home-school Lily someday. I'm a "retired" K-2 grade teacher in a private Christian school so I think I'm qualified :o). Now, if I could just get my family and friends to quit trying to discourage me from doing it.
Have a wonderful Mother's Day!!
Hi Tara-
ReplyDeleteJust came across your blog- and am glad I did. Read this post and I have to tell you- other than finding out a few hours after my son was born- everything else about what you said is exactly how it happened for us and how I feel. I'm so glad to hear your story- it makes me feel proud that there is another person out there who has the same sense of normalcy that I do!